Healthy Relationships

It took decades of people pleasing before I realized that I was attempting to do the impossible.  When I reflect on my past, I can see that I spent far too much time wondering if the people in my life were upset because of something I said or didn't say, did or didn't do.  I also see that I made far too many unconscious choices in order to keep the peace, not ruffle any feathers and not hurt others.  The price tag however was that I was not at peace, that my feathers were ruffled and that I hurt myself.

My primary issue was setting healthy boundaries — not something I learned to do until later in life.  I must admit that the lines in my family's sand were very faint right from the start.  I was born to a mother who was physically ill and often emotionally distraught, so who exactly was tending to whose needs felt uncertain.  And although, in my young years, my inability to know when to say yes and when to say no created both inner chaos and outer turmoil, I can see now that everything happened perfectly for my personal growth.

When I became a mother I had the opportunity to clean up my sketchy boundary issues.  My young children had physical needs that needed tending to and intellectual stimulation that was required.  Our emotional bonding was of utmost importance and my consistently being there for them was as well.  But aside from that, I quickly learned that my job was not to control them or stop them from making mistakes.  Instead, I was there to love them, guide them, and then step aside.

Having healthy relationships with my children and ALL the people in my life requires continuous self reflection.  For example, if I believe that someone is treating me with disrespect, the first thing I need to determine is where and how I have disrespected myself.  Have I failed to speak up and say what is important to me?  Have I engaged in disrespectful behavior with this person?  Have I made this person's needs more important than my own?  Once I know what my inner issue is, I can deal with the outer issue in a healthy manner.

Setting healthy boundaries and being open and honest with others requires openness and honesty with the self.  Developing and staying true to a strong value system is important, as is the willingness to address and overcome all fears and old, limiting beliefs.  Often we do and say things that are easy instead of doing and saying what is right.  And when we do not listen to that small, still voice within that always guides us aright, we experience a variety of consequences that show us where we have deceived or outright lied to ourselves.

Yes, it is good to be there for others.  We all need to do that at times.  However remember to honor yourself.  By that I mean do what, in your heart of hearts, you know to be right and true for you ... because when you do that, it serves the highest and best for all concerned. 

Copyright © 2016 Julie Tkachuk